When I was a little girl…..

Such an interesting phrase since at nearly 55  I feel ancient! Nothing like a child that’s for sure!! When I was a little girl I dreamt the usual things: prince charming, the big wedding, a family, and the happily ever after! In real life, however, I became what my mother referred to as a “wallflower “. I was shy and kept to myself mostly. I had very few friends that were female and none that were male.

Along with being so quiet and shy, I was also deathly afraid of men. I grew up listening to my parents argue and fight; my father’s speaking tone was a yell. I was fearful to ask my dad for anything and because of this fear I learned to be distrustful of all males. I actually didn’t feel loved by either parent- due to the fact I didn’t hear the words ‘I love you’ from them. Not to each other or to me. Now, as an adult with grown children, I realize how destructive that is to the human spirit.

Needless to say, as I grew up and matured I was starved for love and attention. I was eager to find my ‘prince charming’ and begin my fairy tale. Somehow, I believed that was how life was supposed to play out. I just had to find that sweet prince. Unfortunately for me, I was too naive and eager and fell for someone I believed to be my ‘prince’. Later,  I realized he was more like the toad. I have heard you might kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince; I never heard what happens when you kiss a toad. If the answer is warts  then I believe the saying. My prince definitely shared what I consider ugly and painful warts!

Because I was so eager to feel and receive love and being so naive, I fell for that person who showed more than a nodding interest in me. Due to my lack of experience  I believed it was possible  to receive love from a broken person. Broken people usually share only brokenness and I received that from him.

He also grew up in a “broken” home; no divorce but parents who didn’t always get along and practiced a good deal of selfishness. Pairing his upbringing with mine and it was bound to lead to some explosive moments.

Adding to my ‘prince’s’ childhood was his tendency to seek solace in substances: alcohol, drugs, and food. Of course, the alcohol and drugs were the worst abuses. I was such a naive person I thought I could fix his problems by giving him love. That isn’t how you help those kinds of problems.

Next week I will begin sharing what life looks like when you marry a wallflower and an addict.

Dear Lord, may all of those who read these words find some comfort and relief. I pray peace and love to them, amen.

Sandra Sanders, Boundless Trust